Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My bed smells like the plague
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
