Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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