im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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