You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
