I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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