Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
