You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
