she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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