EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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