so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
