There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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