So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
