Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
This baby is an asshole
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
