he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
