I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
