I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
