I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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