youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
