just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
