Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
