i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
