Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
