paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My vagina just recognized that song.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
