God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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