I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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