I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
