Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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