but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
