I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize