Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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