We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
