I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
