I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize