i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
