ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
