I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
