I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
