How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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