i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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