sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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