so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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