I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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