You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We are all done wearing pants today
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
