Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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