your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
