Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
