FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
