He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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