At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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