All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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