My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
