i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
