Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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