Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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