when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
