My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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