I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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